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Weber Genesis

Violent Men and the Anger that Fuels Them

Frank sat there, immobilized as he watched his three adult sons weeping and embracing their sister, Amy. His wife of 30 years sat next to him, crying. Frank s questions whirled:  Do they think I am a monster? Was my anger that bad? Amy had severe anorexia.

The family had gathered for intensive therapy and Frank had been praying, hoping to gain understanding of his daughter. He desperately wanted to learn why his beautiful daughter was starving herself to death. The family and therapist sat in a circle.

 

Amy described life experiences that led to her anorexia. She spoke of peer rejection and revealed the pressure to be thin during gymnastics. She mentioned  family dynamics. Frank was jolted. To him, they were the all-American family. His wife was a wonderful stay-at-home mom. The family attended church and enjoyed vacations together. Amy described her father s anger. She recalled him screaming at her older brothers:  Can t you do anything right? You ll never amount to anything! Sometimes he threw furniture, punched walls, and slammed doors. Once Frank pinned her brother against a wall, screaming in his face and punching the wall behind him. Amy would hide in her closet to escape her father s tirades. Amy shared that although she enjoyed family vacations, she feared the preparation. Frank would bark out commands, threatening to leave her behind if she was not ready on time.

 

It was difficult for Frank to listen. He wanted to fix it, to make Amy feel better.  Sweetheart, I never intended to scare you ¦ you know how much daddy loves you and your brothers ¦ Honey, you know I never laid a hand on you. The therapist interjected:  Frank, we know you love your family. That s not in question. Try to understand what it s been like to live in Amy s world.

 

Amy continued, asking her father if he remembered when he broke his hand.  Yeah, I was such an idiot. I fell walking down the bleachers at your gymnastics meet, broke my wrist and was sidelined for three months.

 

Amy added tearfully:  Daddy, you were so mad at me. She recalled Frank s rage:  If it wasn't t for that gymnastics meet, I would be at work right now! Although Frank s reaction came from feeling worthless when he could not work and provide for his family, Amy explained that his words made her believe the accident was her fault.

 

The therapist asked Amy how she felt when her father got angry. Amy hid her face and looked down. A tear escaped her eye. Finally, she whispered,  it hurt. Her body heaved as she sobbed in pain. Her brothers rushed to hug her, crying,  I know how you feel ¦ it hurt all of us.

 

Frank s angry words had wounded his entire family. His anger had felt like rejection to Amy, ushering in shame, ambivalence, and defenses to protect her heart. Sometime during her youth, Amy vowed to never require attention. She decided her job was to be invisible and never upset the apple cart. If she upset things, she feared her family would fall apart. So she hid her needs, feelings, and true self.

 

Eventually she tried to become invisible by starving herself, hiding in anorexia. Another aspect of Amy s anorexia, perfectionism, also grew from fear of displeasing her father. As David Stoop (2004) notes:  In virtually every case ¦ where the father was abusive, the now grown-up child remains convinced that if only he or she had been a better son or daughter, the father would not have ¦ needed to be abusive.

*Sources of Anger and Varieties of Violence*

The capacity for anger is God-given. We are told that  love is slow to anger ¦ (1 Corinthians 13:5). Clearly, then, even those guided by God s Spirit of love get angry. It takes time for anger to arise, but it does. Jesus himself evidenced anger (e.g., Matthew 21:12-13, 23:13-36). When prompted by the Holy Spirit, anger is a signal worth listening to. It may be a message that we are being hurt, our rights violated, needs or wants not met, beliefs and values compromised, or something else amiss. Anger may signal that we're giving more than we can give.

 

In each case, anger s purpose is protection: thwarting harm or overcoming obstacles to meeting legitimate needs. For example, parents become legitimately angry at anything that threatens to harm or prevent the growth of their children. They become angry because they love their children. Anger, correctly experienced, flows out of love.  Love ¦ always protects ¦ (1 Corinthians 13:4,7). Anger is a built-in drive, energy, and motivation to take corrective action against anything that threatens to harm people and things we love, including ourselves.

The God-given capacity for anger can become distorted by pride, unforgiveness, aggression, culture, fear, physiology, and conditioning, with each acting alone or in concert. This is when  man s anger enters in and corrupts, as opposed to godly anger.

*Pride.*

We may react with anger when our pride, ego, image, or other worldly facades of no godly value are questioned by others.   ¦ pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence (Psalm 73:6). This likely happened with Frank, who's self-image as an effective father was threatened when his children didn't t behave in ways he deemed appropriate.

 

Similarly, men often have detailed expectations about how to fulfill the legitimate roles of provider and protector in their families. When this image is interfered with, they respond with anger and violence, attempting to reassert their treasured definition of how to fulfill these roles. They don t recognize that there are many ways to provide for and protect a family that do not conform to the expectations absorbed from their parents and culture.

*Unforgiveness.*

When we live with a continual expectation that most people are out to harm us, we are primed to become angry fast, rather than slowly and thoughtfully. This may happen because we're holding onto past hurts. When the camel s back is burdened with a history of unforgiveness, one more tiny wound breaks the back, triggering anger inappropriate to the wound that is actually occurring in the present.

 

With unforgiveness, we therefore get angry repeatedly about the same old hurts! This is a stark waste of energy, destroying relationships and our own heart.

*Aggression.*

Anger may be disproportionate to the harm done. It isn't t useful, reparative, or godly to harm another person, when it is possible to achieve our goal of protection with less violence or severity. The literature on assertiveness distinguishes between assertion and aggression: assertion accomplishes our goals while respecting others; aggression disrespects and harms others and often fails to accomplish our goals. In Frank s case, what could have been handled assertively was handled instead with aggression toward his family.

*Culture.*

A primary reason for unnecessary violence is American culture. We live in a highly competitive culture that idolizes and justifies physically powerful, violent men. Movies, TV, sports, and political figures use verbal and sometimes physical violence to dominate and control others. Aggression in popular iconography has increased substantially in recent decades (Benedict, 2004; Jhally, 1999). But   ¦ says the LORD God ¦ ˜I hate a man s covering himself with violence  (Malachi 2:16). Wise observers have warned about our  culture of violence (e.g., Huckabee & Grant, 1998; Lischer, 2005).

On the flipside, images of men who are not violent may be unduly effeminate and passive to be effective role models for many men (Farrar, 2003). Due to our cultural confusion about masculinity and violence,  American men often come from homes where their fathers have not known how to manage anger and power. In short, healthy male role models are lacking.

 

Frank was likely a victim of our culture s paucity of Christian male role models. In this situation, many men are angry at, and devalue, themselves because of their violent reactions against the people they love, but they don t know how to be different. They may justify their actions to avoid feeling or revealing their self-hatred. Some have become so entrenched in a self-defensive posture of justifying their anger  even using Scripture to do so  that they have paranoid, antisocial, or narcissistic personality features. Their anger has become ego-syntonic  an accepted part of their personality. But most, particularly Christian men who experience the Holy Spirit s prompting in their consciences, are disappointed when they act in ways that are incongruent with their beliefs.

*Fear.*

Ultimately, most anger is rooted in fear. We become angry to protect ourselves when we fear attack, a repeat of past wounding, loss of something valued, or inability to obtain something we believe we need or desire. Fear is a universal human emotion that many men don t know how to handle. Men are often taught that it s inappropriate for them to be afraid, but they aren't t given tools to transcend fear. Instead, they learn early to repress and deny their fear. The fear is there nonetheless, under the surface, continually triggering defensive anger. Fear and anger are quite similar physiologically; as such, fear can readily be experienced and expressed as anger when men incorrectly interpret fear s physiological arousal as anger.

*Physiology.*

Due to the fallen condition of humanity that began in the Garden of Eden, some men have genetic and/or biological predispositions to anger. These individuals struggle more than most with anger. Those who misuse alcohol and/or certain drugs may render themselves physiologically prone to anger and violence.

*Conditioning.*

Expressing anger is reinforced through tension relief and its influence and control over others. Some men become virtually addicted to these perks. At an extreme, it becomes an evil enjoyment at controlling others and making them afraid. Inappropriate anger costs dearly.  Anger stuns. It frightens. It makes people feel bad about themselves ¦ people gradually become inured and resistant. As soon as they see you, they put on their emotional armor in preparation for the next upset. The more anger you express, the less you are listened to, and the more cut off you may begin to feel from genuine closeness (McKay, Rogers and McKay, 2003). Anger damages and kills relationships.

 

There are many ways of expressing anger inappropriately and with excessive severity, needlessly harming others:

* Physical and/or sexual violence against people

* Physical violence against animals

* Destruction of property

* Explicit threats of violence

* Implicit threats of violence   without directly threatening violence against someone, violence against animals or property or merely mentioning one s past violent acts all imply that violence against people could occur if the individual is sufficiently provoked

* Controlling other people  what they say and do, where/when they travel, etc.

* Forced isolation from family, friends, work

* Extreme jealousy

* Mental cruelty  verbal, psychological, emotional abuse

Even the purely verbal forms of violence are harmful   reckless words pierce like a sword ¦ (Proverbs 12:18)  and may predispose to later physical violence.

*Interventions and Antidotes*

First, assess the man s motivation to change his angry/violent behavior. Where a man doesn t see the need, make careful recommendations to protect his family. In certain cases, report child abuse to state agencies and/or suggest marital separation. But for men who want to manage anger differently, the following may help.

 

Second, if there is family history of aggression and anger, or the individual appears  wound up, the cards may be stacked against him through a biological tendency toward aggression. Evaluation by a psychiatrist is warranted for psychotropic medication. Certain Prozac like medications and other psycho tropics are effective in assisting some men to gain control of their anger.

 

Third, perform a cognitive-behavioral assessment to determine which erroneous beliefs, expectations, and justifications are triggering anger, and what is reinforcing violent behavior. Ask what skills the man lacks for managing anger effectively to achieve rightful goals. Often, anger management and/or assertion training will be useful.

Assertion training may be enhanced when conducted with a married couple together, joined with communication skills training. Once violent behavior lessens, it may be necessary to assist the man in uncovering wounds, trauma, and other intrapsychic issues disrupting his ability to regulate emotions. Most men will need education about the advantages of identifying, feeling, and expressing their God-given softer emotions and how suppressing these emotions leads them to hurt their loved ones.

 

Fourth, because exposure to violent media increases violent behavior, Christian men must exercise prudence regarding what entertainment and news they select. We are influenced by those with whom we associate.  A violent man entices his neighbor and leads him down a path that is not good (Proverbs 16:29). Men must examine their friends and family members, placing appropriate boundaries on what behavior they will tolerate and/or restrictions on relationships that influence them toward aggression.

 

Finally, we can point the way for men to address anger s spiritual dimension, including false pride, unforgiveness, and fear. Following Christ by practicing humility and cultivating a servant s identity are antidotes to false pride. It is Christian, authentic, and humble to recognize that we need others; it is manly to cry, feel hurt, and express need for comfort and help. Christ did these things.

Simply put,  It is not good for the man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). God specifically created women to be men s helpers, endowed with sophisticated emotional knowledge and a capacity for soothing and nurturing. We must accept that married men cannot function effectively in God s design for their lives without leaning on their wives for support and nurture. Men need to be emotionally vulnerable with their wives for this to occur. We also need other people  extended family and friends:  Carry each other s burdens ¦ (Galatians 6:2). It is false pride to think we can go it alone.

Good old resources exist to help men learn the freeing power of forgiveness (e.g., Ensor, 1997; MacArthur, 1998). By forgiving liberally and frequently  not just from the head or in words, but allowing God to change our hearts so that we have emotionally released hurts and restored relationships  we become slower to anger and less violent.

 

We cannot manage fear and its consequences by pretending we are not afraid.  Surely you desire truth in the inner parts (Psalm 51:6). We must instead recognize that we have fear, and what we are afraid of. Then, through prayer and the spiritual disciplines, we can slowly learn to fear God alone.  The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10), because it leads us to honor and value God above everything.

We may enjoy the world s offerings, but learn not to attach too deeply to  and thus fear the loss of  what is inherently transient: possessions, roles, status, even our children. We can slowly grow to understand God s love for us so deeply that we are fully attached to him  valuing him above all else; and, to so trust God and his plans for our lives that our fear has been replaced with peace and acceptance.  Such perfect love drives out fear.

 

Take on the nature of Christ. Cultivating deep humility, free-flowing forgiveness, and trusting dependence on God isn't t easy. These characteristics come from knowing Christ personally, not just knowing theology or facts about Christ or professing to believe in him. They come from praying and communicating with God, meditating on his words, practicing his presence, and allowing God through these experiences to fill our souls so that we become living examples of the Spirit s fruit:   ¦ the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control .

 

What do any of these have to do with anger and violence? Nothing. The spirit filled life, lived in active relationship with Jesus Christ, drives out anger and violence and replaces these with Christ s nature. Achieving this is, admittedly, a lifelong pursuit. For men, books like Tender Warrior (Weber, 1993), Wild at Heart (Eldredge, 2001), You Have What It Takes (Eldredge, 2004) and Point Man (Farrar, 2003), may assist in renewing our minds to understand godly manhood, so that we grow faster into this destiny that God has planned for us. In this way, we become better leaders in our families, churches, and communities; husbands whom our wives respect and admire; and fathers who guide their children to become men and women of dignity, integrity, and purpose in God s kingdom.Take help from telephone counselor.

Wives may also help their husbands by engaging in family or couples therapy, educating themselves about anger, and learning how they may inadvertently contribute to their husband s anger. An excellent book for wives is the acclaimed Dance of Anger (1997).Take help from telephone psychologist.

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